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(no subject)

Apr. 10th, 2016 | 06:48 pm
mood: restlessrestless

Eyyyyy So I went back to work and all my "FUCK I'M DYING" went away! Mostly. I'm still a little bit existentially black holed but doing better. Most of it is boundaries being invaded stuff which I might go into in more depth in a friends only post just because bitch don't kill my personal venting space.

Work is good on the mind, though. It's a demo/rebuild/new build at a middle school in the next town over. I'm getting practice doing formwork which I really needed after the last year of finish and backing installs. The dudes I'm working with are all cool and easy to deal with. Nice to be back with this super because he's chill and hires other women.

Other than that it's been good. Stepthings have been on spring break. We got the first half of the week and ma got the second. We spent all weekend cleaning the yard and bought some creeping thyme for landscaping because I accidentally left the light on the seedlings and killed them all over the course of one night. Bummer. But my tomatoes are still good and ready to plant after the frost.

J and I have so much shit to try and get done with this house that we are prioritizing 1. having a lawn at all this year after last years drought and fire season, and 2. eating healthy. Finishing the rooms, building the garden boxes, all that shit can wait until we manage these first two.

Feels so good to be able to get outside. We booze cruised through the neighborhood Friday with B.

Yeahhhhh. I feel too scattered to write more but maybe later. Something is something, right?

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Apr. 10th, 2016 | 06:24 pm

spring fling friending frenzy!

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(no subject)

Mar. 5th, 2016 | 10:33 am

I deleted my tumblr and my twitter and I'm feeling a lot healthier and happier since. I'm getting a lot more done around the house in terms of out of the ordinary things.

The neighbor died and her kids are cleaning out her place. I did the same back in 2011 with my aunt and sister for our grandmother's house. It sucks. Really bad. So much suck. That was one of the worst things I've ever had to go through. I brought a loaf of bread over along with some honey butter because it made me anxious just watching them carrying things out and I wanted to offer something up to the comforting gods. Today they let us go through and take whatever we needed out of the house, and it was rad to fill in some home gaps (the littler little has a bed frame now!) and help them clear the house and also to meet them. They're a really nice family.

The neighbor, E, shared a lot of my hobbies. I wish I had met her when she was alive. She has a very devoted garden and an old singer machine that's just beautiful. Her husband evidently mowed their lawn with a push mower. The whole house was amazingly 70s. Orange shag in most of the house, one room with royal blue walls and carpet. They ran a safari themed restaurant in the 80s and 90s I think that had a mural painted on one of the walls that they now have down in the basement of the house. It has a volcano on it. It's pretty rad.

It's sad to think of her over there in the big house without a lot of company. I hope that culturally by the time I get elderly that we will have a better structure in place for involving older folk in day to day life. I also hope my body doesn't just fall apart.

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(no subject)

Mar. 2nd, 2016 | 07:52 am
mood: calmcalm
music: Courtney Barnett - Dead Fox

My allergies have kicked in this week and I'm dyyyyiiiiiiing.

We've got 10 tables done and are on the downhill slide of building a fuckton of tables. Buildin' tables for whiskey bars? Who'd have thought I'd be able to say that about myself. Here I am coming up with descriptive names for the metal finish like smoky quartz, because it definitely didn't come out blue. Thanks, dead grandpa, for teaching me all about gems.

I made tofu stir fry last night to moderate success. And vanilla pudding to use up some milk in the fridge. Today I am planting a million creeping thyme seeds so that the yard by the sidewalk will smell nice and look pretty when the children step all over the rocks on it. If we have to live a block away from an elementary school, I want it to be enjoyable. Very little else grows there. And with the stone wall around the tree down we can put up a rope swing for the littles.

I am so domesticated. So, so domesticated. Ugh.

.........Yesterday I also took a beautiful trip to the yarn shop and bought a beautiful madtosh skein called Firewood. It reminds me of all the camping trips we've taken so far and I had a little ten dollar off coupon so I figured why not? I wanted to make fingerless mitts with it, but hot dad says to make something for my neck or head because of my hair color. He makes me feel really beautiful. I've had partners that made me feel pretty, but he makes me feel beautiful. Like he sees in me things he sees in nature, which is the most meltingly wonderful thing to be told. I love him on an intense, whole body level. He makes all of me feel glowy and real.

I like what my life is. I really need to figure out winters here, though.

I've been nerding the fuck out about Piet Oudolf lately. I've always loved grassy natural landscapes, but his stuff is damn dreamy. I borrowed a bunch of books with his work in it from the library and it's just so fucking cool. So ethereal and soft and in a lot of ways, impressionist. I wish I had gotten into plants when I was younger. I would have probably flourished working with my hands and science and visual impacts. I can still probably flourish doing those things, but pffff life is long and I'll pick up a third career next decade.

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(no subject)

Feb. 24th, 2016 | 02:17 pm
mood: workingworking
music: Air - Alone in Kyoto

My bff S and her partner K came through this past weekend for a visit and it was beautiful and amazing and like a rainbow of joy passed through the house. I have gotten to see her almost once a year since I moved out west and every time is so nice. They brought gifts for the littles and good conversation and warmth for us.

S makes me feel sooooo noooormal for having fallen in love not only with this awesome great man, but also his children. Because she is also totally in love with the kids and it's great. It is a lot different being in a relationship when there are kids involved, and it's hard to explain in some ways. Much of it being, at least lately, the struggle of how to decide my own reproductive philosophy.

On the one hand, it's weird to raise children that are not mine. On the other hand, I didn't want kids ever anyway. On the other hand, the mere act of taking them into my life has thrown all that on the ground. There are benefits to having littles. On another hand, it's depressing to think I'll lose certain resources in my life to these small things I didn't have a part in making. On a third hand, they cost significantly fewer resources than they would if they were mine.On that hand over there, I get all of the good parts of bebes and then they go away for a couple of days and I get all the good parts of having no kids. On the other other hand- I don't get any of the great parts of either of those sides. On the hand that holds all the other hands, I love them and their dad so much.

Jack of all trades master of none. 

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Beep beep

Feb. 19th, 2016 | 09:58 am
mood: weirdweird
music: Beyonce - Formation

I was down in Tricities this week for doors and hardware class, which is like the calculus of the carpentry world. If you naturally understand how to do it the likelihood of having a kush job is much higher. I am particularly good at doors and hardware because it's pretty much just a puzzle and being accurate. But the city I live in is not very active with union work and I am going insaaaaaaaaaaane waiting for the schools to start up. My health insurance is probably going to lapse for a month (thankfully obamacare will save me!) and I'm fine floating on savings and unemployment but man, this part of the deal bites a big one.

Over on the coast there is tons of work. Down in Tricities, there is tons of work. I could even work at Hanford! Just not here. I am beginning to look for other options. I really, really love what I do, but I also absolutely need to work consistently, and I need to be able to lay down roots. There is a lot of non union work around here, but that is not an option for little, tiny, ol' female and democrat me.

I'm kind of where hot dad was last year, where he loved his trade and what he did, but the lifestyle he wanted/needed as a single father wasn't going to fit into it. And here we are, he has a 7 to 3 job. The downside to the trades is that you follow the work or you have periods where you don't work. You also work when there is work. It's hard to plan things. I have been simultaneously elated by my job and being good at it, and frustrated because I can't plan to go see my family and friends back home because I don't know if I'm going to be working. I can't just up and leave here either because I have my own family. I have to plan but the trades don't allow for planning. Fuck all if I want to take time off to do any social activism, btw.

So here I am looking for alternatives and mulling life over.

I remind myself that when I first looked to the trades, my goal was to work in houses. That's a non-union gig in this town. I do like finish work, and I do want to build furniture. And I don't want to spend a lot of my life waiting around and unable to see the ones I love because of work.

Just gonna listen to Formation over and over again while I stand paralysed on the edge of another life choice.

A cool thing tho about Tricities and Hanford - they were part of discovering gravitational waves! Super rad. And there's all the shit they contributed with the atomic bomb and all, y'know, historically and shit. Richland is seriously like walking through a fallout suburb if the in game war hadn't happened. The architecture and naming schemes. The bowling alley is called Atomic Bowling. One of their high school teams is the Bombers. It's neat.

Another thing on my mind lately- in class on breaks we talked a lot about the presidential race, and climate change, and resource shortages, and all sorts of other things. I got into a discussion with one of the dudes I came into the apprenticeship with about the black lives matter movement, as well as how to be skeptical of news websites and avoid being reactionary to things designed to make you reactionary. I don't know that I got very far with him but it was enjoyable.

The realization that ~*~*~pretty much whatever we do as a species, we're fucked~*~*~, was depressing and is always depressing when I find it again in my worldview. But we kind of are. Thanks to the internet and cellphones, we are adapting to skim important information rather than consider it, and to value short term rewards over longer term payoffs. Thanks to religious systems, errybody angry at errybody else. And that's not even getting into things like the politics of space travel and we're using up resources we need to do it for other shit and and and And AND I think the ultimate kicker for me this week was that even if we do go to space and make it to another planet, how long does terraforming take?

I don't know that we'll make it too much farther. High score. Go us. I just want to spend my life with the things that I value most. Like my partner, and my family, and my dearest friends. I want to help the little critters that I have fallen for so dearly to be successful in life. I have two spinster aunts who have always been figures to look up to. I want to do good work, and produce and help. I don't mind being a cog in the machine because the machine itself is a pretty impressive thing to have created at all.

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books n shit

Feb. 13th, 2016 | 04:28 pm
mood: accomplishedaccomplished
music: Wye Oak - I Hope You Die

Day two of trying to be productive and functional and positive and the universe rewarded me with the death of Justice Scalia!

Not really. No matter the man's political leanings, it is sad that he died. I'm glad he passed at home in his sleep and not in some sort of health crisis.

Politics makes me want to throw up and dig a hole in the backyard to die in, but I really enjoy learning about the government and historical politics. Actively living through them, however, is like a very bad rollercoaster that I can't get off of no matter what and I had a really big lunch while I watched a documentary on themepark disasters a half hour before I got on.

so uuuuuuuugh.

This past year I have gotten more into learnin' things, such as about the government and the history of our country. When I read 1491 it was such a delightfully depressing book and I've been trying to skew more history with my audible choices since I finished ASOIAF. With a decent pair of earbuds you can get a lot of book in during the day while you do finishwork, as there is no danger of getting crushed by a forklift. I got through Lies my Teacher Told Me and was sufficiently amazed by the later story of Helen Keller, and sufficiently depressed by all of the racial aspects of it. I'm over halfway through The History of the Ancient World, but the draw in isn't quite as strong. I'm hoping to succeed in reading A People's History of the United States this year. I find some weeks I can read shittons and other months I can't sit down for shit. I'm hoping putting some focus into this writing fuckery will help with that.

I'm also laid off right now and waiting for the schools to start up again so I'm focusing more on fitness learnin' while I'm not exhausted. Much of fitness reading is fluffy and "buy in to my thing!"ish, but overall I'm getting a better idea of how to structure workouts and the whens and wheres and hows. Also flexibility, as it turns out when you work out all day as a job your body gets a bit stiff.

What else? I've been into Cheryl Strayed and Elizabeth Gilbert a little bit this past month. I listen to Dear Sugar quite a bit and I read Wild a few months ago. I also picked up Gilbert's Big Magic on audible after listening to her talk in some random podcast. My feelings about these authors, as well as a couple of the lifestyle fitness/cookbooks I've come across in my used bookstore perusing, is mostly "oh shut the fuck up with your bullshit," But I am trying to figure out how much bullshit is necessary to get through life and allow it to be fulfilling. I have found that some bullshit is required otherwise nothing is fun and you won't feel good about yourself for anything ever.

oooooh noo and I started the most recent dear sugar and I can't pay attention anymore. 

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(no subject)

Feb. 12th, 2016 | 12:07 pm
mood: productiveproductive
music: The Mountain Goats - Song for Dennis Brown

A thing I have noticed as I have gotten older and shittier at doing things that make me functional and pleasing to be around is I barely listen to music anymore. I grew up in a household where NPR or music was always on in the kitchen. As a result, I do need some sort of sound to feel sane most of the time, but I find myself sitting in silence a lot despite that. It has been harder to connect with new music as I get older, and I get overwhelmed with the number of podcasts and videos and movies and tv that I haven't yet enjoyed. There is this gigantic draw to CONTENT and enjoying it. For me, an admitted CONTENT ENJOYER, it is like a riptide for my attention span. Nothing is fully meaningful because there is soooo muuuuch oooooof iiiiiit but I can see the value of it so reblog. This mindset gets into me and it is hard to pay attention to damn near anything. A lot of the time I just sit quietly and leave my mind under a CONTENT faucet like a bucket with holes in it.

How this all plays into my 4-year-old diagnosis of ADHD makes me wonder. I know I have had attention issues my entire life, and when I was on medication it made giant differences in my behavior that improved my life tremendously. How have I been impacted by skimming websites for interesting or useful information, though? There are books about how the internet affects your brain (The Shallows: What the Internet is doing to Our Brains by Nicholas Carr comes to mind) but I haven't read them yet because I'm usually fucking around tumblr instead. Hah.

Part of it too is living here in Washington is lonely and I can feed that loneliness a little bit by feeding the part of my brain that likes seeing pretty things. Thinking about it makes me feel kind of icky. I haven't taken many big steps to making my life here feel more full and bright and interesting. I need to do that. I have found though that tumblr and twitter have been connections to my far away friends that I have been unwilling to give up but I think that they are generally unhealthy and I have gotten so little out of them in the long term. I need to find new fullness instead of tricking myself into eating shitty clouds of water vapor.

Back to music, though! Reinforcing my decision to try and use this journal as an outlet, I have sat quietly and typed while listening to two The Mountain Goats albums this afternoon. That makes me feel good. Go me. Good job, self. Ya done did it, kid.

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To begin my hurking on the couch

Feb. 12th, 2016 | 10:16 am
mood: determineddetermined
music: The Mountain Goats - You Or Your Memory

A long long time ago in a galaxy far away I used to write in a livejournal very much like this one! And I miss it a lot. It was a little hidey hole for friends and random people I followed over the years. I enjoyed the community and being able to see inside how my friends were feeling. Writing in it helped me frequently sort out my own emotions and inventory the positive parts of my life. This little white text box encourages me to say things.

I need that. I have tried for years to maintain a paper journal, and I have tried for years to get the same sort of fulfilling "put it out there"ness of tumblr. Tumblr is too anonymous, too worried about fandoms, too focused on looking at pretty things. Those things are all enjoyable to whatever degrees you enjoy them but I have never been particularly that sort of person. Twitter too, is useful for some things but I find myself in waves hating it, and loving it, and hating it again. I don't enjoy its recent approach to completely ignoring the reason people use it. I also get super frustrated with how shallow and momentary it is.

I have, on so many occasions, gone through and deleted my entire online history on facebook, twitter, tumblr, livejournal. I concede that I do become exhausted and decide to shed the emotional skins of whatever I've been through. In a way, my complaints about the appropriateness of whatever platform I use but dislike are meaningless, as no matter what nothing will be permanent for me so what does it matter where I hurk up my usually temporary hairball of feelings. But livejournal, considering that I have used it since around 2003 or perhaps earlier, has grown up with me. My original account was through an invite code, given to me by a friend (who I met on neopets!) who had her own livejournal because I hunted down an invite code to give to her for her birthday. Prior to that we used deadjournal (which is still there! And still looks very much the same, though quiet).

Livejournal also has not always been ideal for whatever communication I wanted to achieve. I have used it to communicate openly towards people I liked (very vaguely), I have used it to convey blinding, beautiful happiness to people I wanted to make jealous. I have wandered to offshoot journal sites in order to help myself cope with break ups or fights or disappointing social moments because I did not want those same people to see me so torn up.

However the most important thing is that overall, having a journal online helped me write and express and feel things. Livejournal particularly. I have an almost pavlovian response to this little text box.

Writing has been kind of difficult for me to do since 2010 or so, which coincidentally is around when I deleted my old journal, started this one, and quit writing. I chalk this up to break ups and completing college and a death in the family and also an overall malaise with my options after becoming an "adult." In many ways I am very successful, in others, I can barely say I'm a novice. Life is hard and it is hard to see what is going well now because ultimately that is up to me to decide what is going well and what isn't. My success is of my own choosing but I have neglected my ability to sift through my choices and feelings and read through the lines to know what is making me happy and what isn't. I want to see if the benefits of online journaling still exist or if they are dead along with the time they thrived in.

In order to maybe help encourage myself to keep up with this, I am setting ground rules for myself.

First being, I will write. It does not matter what about, or how much, just that I do.

Second I will try to come here, first, before I abscond off to tumblr or facebook or twitter. All three of those require minimal involvement to create content, or to enjoy it.

Third, I will not care whether or not anyone reads this shit. It's Cat Vomit Feelings! On the outset here I will come to terms with the fact that people may read it or may not, and I may or may not want them to. Theoretically, nothing I write will upset anyone, nothing I write will be used against me, nothing I write will be anything but helpful to me and those that wish to know me better. Realistically who the hell is gonna read this?? Because no one cares what you think on the Internet™.

Fourth, I will try not to editeditedit until I deletedeletedelete. It is the habit of writing itself that I'm trying to return to. I need previous things to help encourage the continuation of things. I will not feel motivated to fill the bucket if it seems empty.

Fifth, Public entries because again, No One Cares What You Think About On The Internet. I do reserve the right to adjust this in the future.

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